To the Trolls and the ToD Writers
by PitFTW
Summary: "But Link is ruining the archive with his stupid Truth or Dares! They are unintelligent and an insulting way to gain reviews!" "Oh yeah? Look how many troll fics you've written! How many flames have caused me to slit my wrists!" A satire.


**A/N: Please note that I am NEUTRAL on the subject matter in question. Wait, scratch that. I am neutral, but sick of the subject matter in question.**

**Take the message I write into mind. I am fully aware that I was once a Truth or Dare author, but this has to stop. **

**On to our story.**

* * *

><p>If there was one thing that Princess Zelda of Hyrule loved about the modern world, it was the Internet. Oh, the glorious, glorious Internet. Where she could sit all day and read through boring news articles and laugh at stuff and watch por-<p>

What? Keep the rating of this fic K? But what's so bad about pork chops?

Anyways, all of that- especially the pork chops- was awesome and stuff, but it wasn't long until Zelda found her true calling: writing. And not just any type of writing. No, she had to fulfill her greatest desires, her wildest dreams, manipulate the world around her…

She was a fanfiction writer.

It wasn't just her, of course. All of the Smashers were seriously into it. Heck, Zelda was pretty famous around the archive for her "troll fics". They were purposely badly written and spelt and stuff so she could get attention. She was a master at that! And she always giggled at the flames she got. And then she would troll-review too. As in flame. Like say someone was gay or stupid or fat. That would get her lungs rolling.

Her boyfriend, Link, also had a story going on. But it was not just any story. Oh no, it was a TRUTH OR DARE story! It was basically where he wrote in either script format or IM format or sometimes prose if he wasn't too lazy and people who reviewed his story got to send in dares and stuff and he made characters in his story perform them and embarrass them and there would be crazy maniacal laughing all around. Because making Ike and Marth have gay sex on top of a platypus while Yoshi got surgery to become a female was funny, right? RIGHT? RIIIIIIIIIGHT?

In Zelda's opinion, it was childish the way the Smashers were treated. What was more, it seemed to her more like a call for attention. I mean seriously, her story was written intelligently and stuff and had little to no gay sex on a platypus between Ike and Marth. (Roy and Pit, however, were another story…) But it only had like two reviews with 9001 chapters while Link's story had 1337 reviews with only like five chapters.

Zelda was bitterly jealous of Link. So bitterly jealous, in fact, that she turned to the one act she had sworn not to do when they both joined the website.

She chose to troll _him_.

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><p>Link was opening his email one day and smirking at the flood of reviews. He bit down on his bottom lip as he chose carefully and opened one of the millions of emails.<p>[FF Review Alert] Story: OMG! ToD with Link!

Greenhatmanwithasword,

A new review/comment has been submitted to your story.

Story: OMG! ToD with Link!  
>Chapter: 1. Chapter 1<p>

From: ThisIsNotMarth

lol! omg, 1ink! U r so awesum!111!1!1!11!11 i wanna kees ur azz! Lololololololol

kk darez

ike: u r so meen!11!11 GO HAV GAE SAX WEETH SAMUZZZZZZ!

samus: u r so hot!111!11!1!11 give marth a kiss!111!11!11

pikachu: I 3 ur cuple with wari0! GO ON AWESUM HUNNYMON PAEED BI IKE!11!11!111!11

Do not reply to this email. If the review is signed, use reply link provided  
>above.<p>

Messaging Service

Link smirked, the ideas of how to manipulate those dares clashing evilly within his head. It was very evilly that he opened the next email. But then it was very not-evilly that he suddenly screamed like a little girl and bawled loud enough to cause Snake's box to spontaneously combust.

**[FF Review Alert] Story: OMG! ToD with Link! **

Greenhatmanwithasword,

A new review/comment has been submitted to your story.

Story: OMG! ToD with Link!  
>Chapter: 1. Chapter 1<p>

From: NotZelda

You suck. Go die and stick your head in a toilet and die again! Your family does not love you. I hope you burn in Anartica.

!

FUCK MONKEYS FUCK MONKEYS FUCK MONKEYS FUCK MONKEYS FUCK MONKEYS FUCK MONKEYS FUCK MONKEYS FUCK MONKEYS FUCK MONKEYS

Do not reply to this email. If the review is signed, use reply link provided  
>above.<p>

Messaging Service

It was a troll! A horrible, horrible troll! Link knew what he had to do! He immediately sent an angry PM to Zelda. When Zelda received it, she got all pissed and sent an angry PM to Link. Then he sent an angry one to Zelda. After getting something to eat, Zelda sent an angry one to Link.

The war waged on for 40 days and 40 nights, Zelda leading the Troll Army and Link leading the Truth or Dare Alliance. Friend turned against friend. Old foes created new alliances. The fires of battle ripped through the Super Smash Brothers fanfiction archive, destroying all in their path. With every troll fanfiction brought down, a million rose in their place. With every Truth or Dare fanfiction deleted, millions more came to replace them.

There seemed to be no hope left for the quieter authors, the ones who chose to express their stories because they abided by the rules. Neither the trolls nor the ToD authors cared that with these fanfictions, they were shattering them. None of them cared what a state the archive was in because of these wars, these uncreative insults to both Smashers and writers alike.

Until finally, someone had enough.

"STOP!" Pit screamed, flying up over the battlefield. Everyone put down their overpowered imaginary weapons and stared at the angel. It was with a great effort the that Commander of Palutena's Army smacked everyone across the face.

"Don't you people get what you're doing? You're destroying the world! _Our world_!" Pit said angrily. "All of this over a bunch of stupid stories THAT SHOULDN'T BE ON THE WEBSITE ANYWAYS!"

"What are you saying Pit?" Link demanded. "That we should all pick up and leave? We have a right to write what we want, you know, so-"

Pit smacked him. "No! I'm not saying that you should all delete your fanfictions! But what I _am_ saying is that I'm freaking sick and tired of this crap! You all claim to be in the right or the wrong or the _whatever_, but all I see are a bunch of children making a huge drama over something that should be taken to the forums instead!"

"But Link is ruining the archive with his stupid Truth or Dares!" Zelda sniffed. "They are unintelligent and an insulting way to gain reviews!"

"Oh yeah? Look how many troll fics you've written! How many flames have caused me to slit my wrists!" Link snapped back.

Pit flew in between the arguing couple. "Knock it off, you two! This is _exactly_ what I've been talking about! Your stupid fight is tearing up the archive! Us decent authors can't even get our chapters in because of your fighting! Do you remember the last time I updated 'Shot'? Of course not! It was immediately drowned in a sea of troll-fics and Truth or Dares! _You_," he pointed to Zelda. "_You_ need to stop acting like a brat and freaking stop with the insults and stuff! So you like to see people's reactions. Fine, fine, just do it in the forums or something. Or maybe even the PM's. Just keep your shit away from the archive."

Link pointed at Zelda and laughed. Pit then turned to him.

"And _you_! Stop using your 'fame' as a Truth or Dare writer to raise up an army or whatever to get back at Zelda! What _you_ should be doing is benefitting the archive! Didn't you know that fanfic writers are seriously looked down upon? And considering the state of our archive, I'm not surprised. What, with poorly written troll-fics and rather uncreative little tidbits here and there and a WAR over said fics, which aren't supposed to be here anyways… dammit, just go take your testicle waving somewhere else, please?"

Everyone stared at Pit. It was well-known that Pit also used to be a famous ToD writer back in the day. But right now, he was writing a story called Protector's Come Up, a proper one with prose and reasonable spelling and a plot. He was quite proud of it and, in his own quiet way, actually garnered a lot of support. He was an advocate of good writing and while he understood that he probably saw himself as the best writer in the entire archive (he had a pretty big ego for such a small guy), that didn't mean that he shot down _every_ fic that got in his way.

But ever since the war started, he had become ashamed to write for the archive. Once strong, beautiful stories had quickly been torn down by the slew of Truth or Dares and troll fics. As the war escalated, so too did the two types of stories. Pit could barely get past the first page anymore, let alone post another chapter to "Shot" or "Protectors Come Up".

In spite of everything, Pit was proud to be a fanfiction writer. A _proper_ fanfiction writer. One that tolerated stories that abided by the rules and were innovative. He would occasionally find a gem of a fanfiction here and there while scouring the archive, but these days, such gems were rare.

The angel left the Smashers then, ready to start on the epilogue of what he believed was his finest project to date.

**FIN**


End file.
